>HoW   To   KeEp A   hEaLtHy   LeVeL   Of InSaNity AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe
>iNsAnE...
>                 ***********************************************
>
> At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing
>cars to see if they slow down.
>
> Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)
>
> Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.  Always
>wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially  effective if
>your boss is the opposite gender.)
>
>Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing.  For
>example: ‘If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.’
>
>
>Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
>
>Insist that your e-mail address be  xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
or
>Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
>
>Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
>that.
>
>Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair
>dancing.
>
>Put your garbage can on your desk and label it ‘IN’.
>
>Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
>
>Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the
>break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,
>rub your stomach, and say, “You’ve got to be faster than that.”
>
>Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
>their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
>
> In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favours’.
>
>Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
>
>Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”
>
>Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
>entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that  way.
>
>Don’t use any punctuation
>
>
>As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
>
>Ask people what sex they are.
>
>Specify that your drive-through order is ‘to go’.
>
>Sing along at the opera.
>
>Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
>
>Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party
because
>you’re not in the mood.
>
>                  ***AnD tHe FiNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple:
>
>Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to
>you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
>
>
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-----

A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars
worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

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------

>These Quotes will make you feel a whole lot better about working for
(enter company name here)
>
>1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
>using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
>employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
>(This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in
>Redmond,WA)
>
>2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
>(Lykes Lines Shipping)
>
>3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
>(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
>
>4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
>used only for company business.
>(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
>
>5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>important interfere with it.
>(Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
>
>6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
>believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
>months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
>time to tell them.
>(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
>
>7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
>needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
>couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
>(CIO of Dell Computers)
>
>8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."
>(Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
>
>9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
>told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
>busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to
>Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
>(Shipping Executive, FTD  Florists)
>
>10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
>to discuss it with the employees.
>(AT&T Lone Lines Division)
>
>11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to
>inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
>above."
>(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>
>12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
>project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.  He
>said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
>for it!"
>(New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
>
>13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
>our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one
>of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
>training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
>committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that
>the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch.  When I asked why,
>I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophiles)? working in
>her company.  Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
>that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red.  The HR
>Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
>dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me
>not to worry he would take care of it.  Two days later a memo to the entire
>staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the
>local Sunday newspaper in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In
>accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting
>words together from the Sunday paper.
>(Taco Bell Corporation)
>
>14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from
>a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily
>determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
>transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not
>supersede, the expectations of quality!"